"Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain."
~Psalm 127:1

October 9, 2013

Day 9: How Long O Lord?

Today, I've been living in this moment of boredom.  I feel like something should be happening, but nothing is.  I haven't spent much time outside yesterday or today.  Yesterday (I'm writing this on Tuesday) was a very rainy day, so I spent a lot of time writing, editing photos, and just generally staring at the computer screen (which gives me a headache at the end of the day).  Today, I did a few more useful things around the house, like running the dishwasher, and cleaning the stove, and... that's pretty much it.  I take my domestic duties a little bit at a time.  And I went for a run, but I still feel restless.

This waiting is taking so long!  How long O Lord?  I want relief right now!

I get restless sometimes.  I want to be like every body else, I want to have what they have.  I want to be able to do what any other normal person does.

But I don't really.  Really.  I want to be me not them.

Because going through this stuff, I've learned so much!  I am learning so much!  I'm learning who I actually am behind all these masks that I've been wearing (that could be a post all in itself, in fact there is a great book about it by Emily Freeman, Grace For The Good Girl).  And how I connect with God.  And that He loves me, even though I mess up all the time.  And how to joyfully repent, because I know that He forgives me when I ask, and that's something to be joyful about!

I don't want to be someone else, I don't want their purpose in life, because I have my own.  One that God has planned, although I may not know exactly what it is right now.

I'm not happy that I've gone through this difficult time, it's been painful.  But I see the purpose in it, in the waiting for things to get better.

I see the choice that I have.  The one where I go down that dark path toward self-pity and become bitter, critical, and hard-hearted.  Or that other way, the harder one, into submission.  Into sacrificing what I want, knowing this is what I need to soften my calloused heart, to open my blind eyes.  Into joyful waiting and thanksgiving.  Knowing God is gracious and faithful, and has everything in His control.

"O Lord, come back to us!
    How long will you delay?
    Take pity on your servants!

Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
    so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
15 Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
    Replace the evil years with good.
16 Let us, your servants, see you work again;
    let our children see your glory.
17 And may the Lord our God show us his approval
    and make our efforts successful.
    Yes, make our efforts successful!"

-Psalm 90: 13-17

To see more posts in this series just click on the label "31 Days" under the title of each post in this series, or go back to Day 1 here and choose from the list of days listed at the bottom of the post.

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