Throwing stones

Ever have one of those days where you wonder how you got here?

Where you went wrong?

How your little three-ring circus blew up into a hurricane?

How your child would have the audacity to throw stones at his grandmother's car because he's angry that she didn't have any more strawberries to feed him?!?!

True story.

Things had been going fairly well, no major hiccups, rebellions, or catastrophes...

Until boy #2 falls off the picnic table bench flat on his face, causing his two front teeth to puncture his bottom lip.  Let's just say I'm really glad I was wearing a black shirt.

Maybe that's the reason for the rebellion of boy #1.  He probably felt like he wasn't getting enough attention.  Thus the stone throwing.

I was horrified.  Mortified.  Brain-fried.

Somehow, I managed not to act like myself.  I did not yell (shocking, right!?).

I. just. didn't. even. know.

We're in the parenting elective Sunday School class at our church.  Probably a good thing, we're getting lots of practice with the things we're learning. {Palm to face}

Trying to get to the heart of the matter with a three year old is... like pulling teeth, and then some.

He didn't even understand why he did what he did.  He didn't understand there was an emotion behind his actions.  He didn't understand that he let his emotions dictate his behavior.

But really, what 3yo understands that!?  That's a hard concept for most adults.

I've been reminded several times recently, that the best place to turn with our children (and in general) for answers is the Bible.  So that's where we went.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you.    Think about it overnight and remain silent.         -Psalm 4: 4

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you."  Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.   -Ephesians 4: 26-27

I'm not sure how much he understood in that moment, but he did tell Josiah later that we looked at some Bible verses when they talked about what happened.

It was also a good reminder for me.  I never thought I was an angry person until I had kids.  Now anger peaks through on what seems like a daily basis.

While anger itself is not a sin, letting it control my actions is.


So, now we keep going, keep talking, keep reminding over and over again until we all get it a little bit better.

We don't learn things by osmosis after all.

Change Is Hard

These spring evenings are beautiful!

I love them... and hate them at the same time.

They remind me of how much I miss being in the dairy industry, how much I miss working together as a family.  I miss seeing Joshua care for the calves.

I spent some time standing in the empty parlor recently thinking about the past.  I realized one big difference.

When I was working in that parlor, I knew exactly what I was doing.  The motions were easy and routine.  I wasn't scared, not of the equipment or the cows.  I was the boss.

These days, with children, I don't know exactly what I'm doing.  Nothing comes easy or is the same every day.  I'm scared I'm messing my boys up.  And the harder I try to be the boss, the less in control I feel.

It's crazy, but in a time when we had very little control over our circumstances (the volatility of the milk price and so many variables that affect cow health and production), I had so much peace.  And now, when it feels like we have more wiggle room with where we're at and where we can go, I have so many questions and faith can feel hard to come by.

It seems so backwards.  That's probably why I've had such a difficult time adjusting to the change.

I wrote these words back in September of 2016, but I feel they still apply to my life today:

Life for me recently has been a challenge.  We had a baby last November and that was a gigantic change for me.  If you know me well, you know that change and I don't exactly get along.  I like slow and steady.  Give me the same routine, the same task every day and I will be happy.

Unfortunately, Baby Boy (Joshua) doesn't know that.  He likes to sleep through the night for a few nights in a row and then throw in a few nights where he wakes up multiple times.  He likes to take one really long nap a day, and then the next day he'll throw me for a loop and take three 30 minute naps (30 minute naps are the worst!!).

And then there is this struggle with trying to figure out how to get everything done around the house, while he is either clinging to my legs wanting to be held, or wandering off into the next room to explore and see how much laundry he can unfold.  Or trying to do things while he takes his naps of unpredictable lengths, when all I really want to do is have a cup of coffee and sit down. 

I feel like I haven't caught up with this change yet.  I can't quite figure out this new role of "mom."  How do I fit into this role, or how does this role fit into me?  I don't know yet which question is the correct one, or the answer to it.  I feel as though I am no longer "Valerie."  I am "mom" or "mama."

That last sentence reminds me of Galatians 2: 20- "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

I am no longer who I was.  I've been changed by change.  And I will constantly be changed by change, if I allow God to grow me in that way instead of clinging stubbornly to the things that were.  And it is hard.  Change is still not my favorite thing.  But through God's grace I am making it through.

Catching up

While I'm at it, I have a little catching up to do with posting.

Two days after we sold the cows (November 2017), we had our second boy, Isaiah.

Joshua (L) and Isaiah (R) as newborns.

Busy boys

Life with two boys is never dull!

Joshua

Isaiah

At this point in life, it is much easier to post pictures than write something intelligible.  But that's how it is with seasons of life.

Season of change

I have so much to say, but every time I sit down to write, the words won't come.  I'm going to try to push through this because I want to share what we've been going through this past year and where we are headed.

This year has been and will be one that revolved around change.  Change is not something that I readily put myself through on a regular basis, I would rather stick with the status quo of life, let's not rock the boat too much, even-keeled everyday living.  But the more I go through difficult circumstances, the more I can see that I need change in my life.  Changes, especially hard ones, make me lean harder in the Lord.  They make me set aside my desires and dreams and ask the Lord, "what are You trying to teach me through all this?"  I've been having this kind of scary thought recently: maybe I shouldn't wish for seasons of rest, because in those seasons its almost harder to trust the Lord than in the hard times.  And that is a truly terrifying thought to my North American perspective and lifestyle.

This whole year, my husband and I have been processing what we should do in the coming years.  The dairy industry has been a hard one over the past 9 years or more.  We (I say we to include the previous generation, not just myself and Josiah) expanded the dairy in 2007.  2008 was a "rebuilding" year, trying to get the cows used to a new facility and back up in production, while paying off loans and other bills from the expansion project.  Then 2009 hit.  And it hit hard.  Milk prices were very low and as you can probably figure out, low milk prices for a dairy that is trying to pay off loans is not a good thing.  And it just feels like we could never get our feet back underneath us with one thing or another.

In 2013, Josiah and I bought the farm.  We restructured everything, renovated the barn and milking parlor to meet our (and the herd's needs), and tried to keep moving forward.  2014 was a really good year for milk prices, but once again, we were in a "rebuilding" year where we were all adjusting to the stress of finishing up construction and getting the herd healthy and used to a new routine.  So we've basically been holding on for the past 4 years with everything that we have.

This past March, Josiah was approached by my dad about the possibility of coming to work for him and 2 of my uncles.  I don't even know how to describe the agonizing decision that was, especially for me.  I did not grow up on a dairy farm, and over the past 8+ years of working on one, I have fallen in love with the animals and the work itself, as hard as it is.  I'm the one that drug my feet on giving up this lifestyle.  I felt like it's all I've ever been good at and to take that away is crushing.  But at the same time, the Lord was leading me to let go of this thing that I have held on to so tightly, this idea that dairy farming is the only way we can live our lives, that it is somehow my only identity.

But changes are coming.  In about a week, we are selling our cows.  We don't know exactly what the future will look like yet (of course, we never know what the future looks like until we get there, and we never get there because the future is always the future).

There have been a few verses that I've been clinging to over the past few months:

- "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27: 13-14

In a world where nothing is for certain, if I can get to that point where I can say that the Lord is good through everything, I'm getting somewhere.  His goodness may not always look like what I had planned, but He does have good plans for me (Jeremiah 29: 11), and even if I have to walk through difficult times, He is still there and He is doing work in my life to make me more and more into who He created me to be in Him.

-"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need." -Psalm 23: 1

As simple and familiar as this verse is, I've been reminded that it is true.  The Lord does provide all that I need.  Once again, sometimes what I think I need and what I actually need aren't the same things, but the Lord is faithful to gently lead me away from the things that might actually hurt me in the long run that might seem good right now.

I am going to miss the cows, the work, and our workers like crazy, but all the more importantly, I don't want to miss out on what the Lord has for me in this new season.  I don't want to miss out on the purpose that He is fitting me for even now in the middle of the messy unknowns of life.

A book that has meant a lot to me during this season (besides the Bible, that's been a very important aspect of life + tons of prayer) is Girl Meets Change by Kristen Strong.  There were also a few Bible studies that have been impactful over the past year as well, the 2 that stand out are by Priscilla Shirer: Discerning the Voice of God, and The Armor of God.

Farming can be dangerous

Josiah almost died today.

And I'm not being overdramatic about that statement.  There were many, many miracles that happened to prevent the accident that he had from resulting in serious injury or death.

It's hard to describe.

It's hard to describe the feeling of getting a text from Josiah telling you to come to the manure day-pit because he's trapped.  I don't even know how he had the strength or the wits about him to send me a text and call his dad and grandpa on the phone while teetering on the edge of the pit.  I gathered from his text that it was serious, but to [speed]walk around the corner of the barn and see the position of the skid loader on it's front with the bucket down in the pit and just a chain link fence holding both it and Josiah from falling into 5+ feet of manure that was being agitated, that really got my adrenaline going.

He was trapped for maybe 10 minutes.  I'm thankful that the right people were there to help.  I couldn't have driven the tractor to pull the skid loader back off the fence.

It was a scary experience.  And I'm so thankful that Josiah is okay!

Farming can be dangerous.  It's really scary to think of all that could go wrong each day with the chores that are done every single day.  Something could break, or a tire could go flat at the wrong time, or a cow could get spooked and kick back as you're walking past her stall.  Anything could happen, and it's hard not to think about that right now since something bad almost did happen.  Equipment is replaceable, but human life is precious and fragile.

On a broader scope, anything could happen to anyone at any moment.  A car accident.  An illness that started out as something minor.  Food poisoning.  A meteor strike!?!?  Really anything.

But if I dwell on all the "what if's," I will become paralyzed with fear to even move or breathe (which would also be deadly).

Today was a scary experience, but I know that whatever happens, God is still in control and He has already been victorious over death or anything else that can happen to an earthly body.

It's not an easy thing to believe, but where else can that real, deep, root-drenching hope be found but in a relationship with God?

I'm so thankful for my family!!

Happy Father's Day & Joshua's story

So today, along with being Father's Day, was also the child and baby dedication at our church.  There were 8 children being dedicated!!  And Joshua was one of them.  (Only one child was a girl!)  I thought I would share what we shared in front of the church, which is an abbreviated version of Joshua's story of existence and words of encouragement for him from us.

        .................................................................................................................................................

Valerie:  In 2012 (and really since 2009) the farm was going through a difficult financial time.  I was reading through the book of Joshua and I felt the Lord prompting me that the name of our first son was supposed to be Joshua, which means "the Lord saves," because the Lord was going to save us through that hard time (and He still is).  So I wrote that down on a piece of paper and hid it away for later.  (I brought it along to the hospital to show family and friends after he was born.  The date on it was 10/29/2012)
  Then in February of 2015, I had a dream that we had a baby boy on December 1 (I asked the date several times in my dream just to be sure) and we named him Joshua Clay.  **Side note that I forgot to share: If I had been a boy, my parents would have named me Joshua.  I had forgotten all about this until after Joshua was born and my mom reminded me!!**  When we had the doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy, they told us our due date was December 11, which is the date of our dating anniversary.

Josiah:  I am the fourth generation in the Garber family with the initials of JCG.  We thought this was a neat tradition that we wanted to carry on.  And Joshua Clay fit that "criteria."
  At our 20 week ultrasound, we found out we were having a baby boy and he was growing well.  The next day Valerie had to go back for some follow-up ultrasound pictures and received the diagnosis that our baby had a 2 vessel umbilical cord, a normal cord has 3 vessels.  **Another thing not shared:  Valerie also had a low lying placenta, which can also lead to more complications.  Thankfully it moved up to its proper place after a few weeks.**  Because of this we were scheduled for a few extra check-ups.

Valerie:  At the first of these extra appointments, I went by myself (Josiah had been able to go to all them so far).

Josiah:  Shortly after Valerie left, I got a phone call from her saying she was headed over to the specialist (Maternal Fetal Medicine or MFM) for an emergency ultrasound because the baby's heart rate was irregular.  I joined Valerie for this appointment and every appointment after this.  **They didn't find anything wrong, his heart rate was normal and continued to be normal at every visit.**  Monthly, then biweekly, then weekly ultrasounds (and non-stress tests) followed and consumed the last 3 months of the pregnancy.  These appointments confirmed Joshua's health, renewed our faith in God and reminded us that "the Lord saves," and an added bonus was that we got to see 3D pictures of him almost every week until he was born.
  We prepared for a December 1 arrival.  And on Monday, November 30, we went in to the hospital in the evening, hoping now was the time.  Joshua Clay was born November 30 at 11:55pm.

***Big side note here:  The midwife asked if we wanted to wait until December 1 to have Joshua because we mentioned the dream, but we decided that we didn't need to specifically wait for that date.  Whenever he came, we would be happy.      So when Joshua was still inside me, he apparently pooped, a lot.  This first poop is called meconium and is black and sticky.  When this happens and the baby is born, they may have meconium in their mouths and can inhale it which is pretty bad for their lungs, as you can imagine.  So they try to take the baby quickly after birth and suck as much meconium out as possible before they can breathe it in.  We later learned that the midwife said this was the worst amount of meconium that she had ever seen and she was a bit worried that it could basically have killed him (this midwife (lovely woman that she is) tends to be very excitable and even maybe a little overdramatic at times, so I'm not sure really how serious it was).  Thinking back on this, I wonder if part of the reason for my dream was a warning?  Maybe Joshua wouldn't have made it if we had waited until December 1?  Either way, God's timing was perfect!***

Valerie:  Joshua, it would have been easy to see all these challenges arising and be discouraged and even fearful that we may never be able to meet you.  But the Lord is consistently faithful.  All your extra check-ups were an assurance of this and of His promise to save you.
  It would have been (and sometimes was) easy to doubt God's timing of your birth, but we kept holding on to that promise of December 1, even when others may have laughed it off as a simple dream.  Through your birth, our faith has been strengthened in the promises and faithfulness of God!

Josiah:  Joshua, may you live a faithful, passionate life; whole-heartedly chasing the dreams the Lord lays on your heart.  Be a strong and courageous mighty warrior, fighting battles for the Lord.
  Joshua 1: 9,  "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Happy Father's Day Daddy!!

Day 25: What are we afraid of?

Inspiration can come at any time and from anywhere.  Some family members were asking if I was going to post today, and I really had no idea what I was going to post about, but after I got home, I had an idea (which also led me to post what I did for Day 24)!  Thank you family!

Why are we so afraid of letting go?  Of our stuff, of our ideas, of our plans, of our money, of our time, and the list could go on.

Maybe because of that word "our."  We see it as ours.  (And I'm not writing this to anyone in particular because I am as guilty of this as the next person.)

What is really mine?  Nothing that I have or even do is new to the world, it all has a source.  If you read through the Bible book of Ecclesiastes, the writer makes this point chapter after chapter (I found his writing to be almost depressing at times).

The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”

All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.       -Ecclesiastes 1: 1-2, 8-10

Kind of depressing, right?!

Chapter 12 is more encouraging.  It tells us to remember our Creator.  All things that we have come from Him.

Doesn't that also mean that He can provide for what we lack?  We don't need to hang on to everything if we trust that He is our Provider.  And that doesn't mean that we should be negligent or careless with what He has entrusted to us, just that we should trust more in Him than in the things that we call "ours."

Day 17: Photo wall

A guest post of sorts, ha ha. 

Game night at Kristen and Eric's house. 

I love the way that she did her picture wall.  

Paint canvas black (or leave white) and mod-podge your photo print on the canvas and voila!  A lovely simple way of putting up photos. 

Day 15: Expectations

Halfway today!!!

Going off my drifting thoughts from yesterday, I had a scary thought, one that a lot of parents might have.

-How am I supposed to raise a child and encourage them to become who God created them to be, when I'm not there yet?

Well, that's definitely going to take a lot of God and a lot of grace, and probably a lot of simple and a lot of creativity.

At this point, I only really have 3 expectations about having children:

• This is going to be the hardest thing that I've done up to this point in my life.
• Sleep is going to be a very precious commodity.
• We are going to love this baby (I know there will be frustrating times, but overall).

Surprisingly, that's it.  Although those probably cover a lot of ground, especially the first one.

You get a lot of advice and stories from other people when you're pregnant.  I've been listening, but I haven't been absorbing it all.  Your story and experience is true for you, and I may experience some of the same things, but please don't try to place your expectations on me, I have my own.  They may be too simple, but they are what I can comprehend right now.  They are where I'm at.

Day 14: Wonderings

It seems that every couple of days I reevaluate what exactly I'm doing here.  My writing and journey this month isn't turning out how I expected.  I thought that this topic would kickstart my doing more creative things in my home.  But mainly, we've been just removing clutter from our lives instead, which really makes a huge difference for any home!

Maybe I chose being simply creative less for my home and more for my self.  Seeing the simple and the creative around me and in me and learning to use it and be thankful for it.  Taking walks and working things out that have been in my mind for a while.  Trying to figure out who I am again, and who I will become in this next season of life.