Perspective Shift

I am having trouble articulating my thoughts recently, mainly because there is so much going on in my head that I don't know what I really want to say.  And there are so many emotions running around in me that I'm a little confused over what exactly I'm feeling.

I know that I feel sadness.  A year ago today, two major events happened on this farm.  

The first was that we decided to sell the cows.  

The second thing, I'm hesitant to talk about, because everything has not been settled and I don't want my words to negatively affect the outcome or consequences.  I will only say that it was something that felt very devastating to the farm, something that we never expected to happen, a structural failure of sorts.  I still think back to that evening, an hour and a half before the event, I had been walking with Joshua in an area that, if we were there a few hours later, we may have lost our lives.  Still, all I can do when I think of that evening is shake my head in disbelief at the sight of that accident, and remind myself to keep breathing, that we're okay and that we received a miracle and a confirmation in that one awful moment.  It was time to sell the cows (once again, I am being purposefully vague in exactly what happened).

I was fighting to hold it together this morning while at a mom's group that I attend.  Feeling sorry for myself, for my loss.  And then we walked outside and I was reminded that I'm not the only one feeling loss.  A graveside service for the mom of someone I know was just finishing up.  I always start to feel a little silly when I see and hear about other people's difficult situations, they always seem so much worse or more important than selling a bunch of cows.

But diminishing my story and my pain doesn't make me feel any better.  I know that the timing was right for us to walk away from dairying, but that fact doesn't help my feelings either.  

So I've kind of been feeling stuck in this place of having all the feelings, but not knowing what exactly is going on, what God is doing, what He's trying to accomplish through all this.

"This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing."  -Romans 4: 17b (NLT)

Pretty much that verse sums it up, the small hope that I've been clinging to through this.  The only way that anything good will come out of all this is if God makes it happen.  He's going to have to be the one to bring the dead hopes back to life and create new things out of the nothing that I'm feeling.  

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13: 12

22 

The other day as I was walking around this (too) quiet farm, I was thinking that maybe my perspective is what is holding me in this stuck place.  Maybe if I think more about what we had and less about what we lost.  Considering the "firsts" rather than obsessing over the "lasts."  More thankfulness and less longing.  That sounds a little too familiar for comfort, like the Israelites longing for slavery back in Egypt instead of the dusty, hot desert where they didn't have enough food and water.  The place where they were slaves but had plenty rather than the hard journey to the promised land. (Exodus 16)

There are more sad milestones coming over the next few months, but there are also some joyful ones coming as well.  Our little boy will be turning 3 and our baby boy will be turning one (I can't believe they're growing up so fast!!!  I look at my 3yo and wonder how he got to be such a handsome, perceptive little boy!).  We'll get to celebrate the holiday season with family surrounding us.  We'll be welcoming a new niece or nephew.   Even though I'm being reluctantly thankful about all these things (not because I'm not thankful for them, maybe just because it's easier to see the negative), I still feel some of the heaviness lifting.  

Lord, change my perspective.  Maybe then I can see all the things You are resurrecting in me and all that You are creating anew in my life.

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!"

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord."

-Lamentations 3: 22-26