Silence

I have been oddly silent this past year.  Not that it's odd for me to not talk around a lot of people.  I mean that my blog has been pretty silent in 2012, at least toward the end of the year.

I haven't written what has been on my heart.  I haven't known what emotions to allow others to see in my writing.  I feel so much older and worn down, and yet so young and unknowing.

I think that growing up, we assume that once you hit a certain age, life will instantly be better and easier, you'll know what you need to know to be a responsible adult.  That once you're over the age limit for that "young adult" group, you know what you're doing and don't need that support any more.  I still feel like a young adult, even if I may be almost 4 years out of college, and I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time.

God has been pruning away the excessive things in my life.  Anything that isn't necessary, it seems He has been pulling off like a scab.  I thought I had gotten rid of my bitterness, but I come to realize that there is still way too much inside of me.  I've been angry about all of those people that I would have called friends who just walked away, who seemed like they wanted nothing more to do with me, who made excuses not to come to my wedding and then I never heard from them again (obviously that hurt is still there).

But I'm not innocent on those counts either.  I haven't kept in contact with old friends as much as I should.  I've been busy, I'm sure they have too.  It just feels like whenever I get close to someone, God takes them away.  Do I even want to try to be close to anyone when God might move them?  Stripping off that old scab.  I felt Him asking me, at one of those low times, "if all of your friends abandoned you, would I be enough, would I be worth that?"  I try to answer yes.  But God, do I really have to prove it?

"Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God,

and keep the vows you made to the Most High.

Then call on me when you are in trouble,

and I will rescue you,

and you will give me glory.”

Psalm 50: 14-15

Character.  Wouldn't it be nice to just have character, and not have to build it?  Sometimes I think that character could be put on the bad word list (at least a Hopstetter boy could probably put it there :)  sorry Melanie, had to put that in).  But seriously, I guess if we didn't have to build character we would never grow. I am trying to be thankful for all the things that I've had to sacrifice.  I know that I've grown and that it's been painful, but I want to focus on the growth not the pain.  I know that I don't want to stay unchanged, I don't want to be the same as what I was when I was younger.

I was selfish.  And still am.  It's a human condition, but all the same, it's nothing to make excuses about.  Most human conflicts can be boiled down to plain selfishness.  We love ourselves so much more than any one else, including our spouse or even God.  It is so easy to see the selfishness of others, but when it comes to examining yourself, you become blind to the faults.  I didn't see it for so many years, how many times did I unknowingly break someone's heart with my selfishness and pride?  I still am selfish, and I try to be aware of that.  What good is it to live our lives with selfish motives?  It might get you ahead in this life, but it's all so empty.  Where is the hope in that?

Sometimes I wonder why God created us at all.  We just mess up our relationships and are selfish.  We desire more to "live for the moment," to have fun here on this earth because we've bought into the lie that this is all there is.  What is a moment, what is eternity?

I want to glorify God with my life, but I know that I'm not good.  Not good at all.  In my mind I usually think that I'm doing okay, I pray, I read my Bible, I talk to Josiah about spiritual stuff.  But I'm not good, I'm selfish, I'm prideful, I'm simple, and I mess things up too many times to count.  I don't talk when I should, I stay silent too often when I should call out.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this, because I don't want to be the same this year.  I don't want to be silent.  It will be difficult, I will need to use my time more wisely.  But I hope to at least write once a week this year, or at least post photos that I've taken during that week (which means taking more photos too).

I guess this is one of my New Year's resolutions, to not be silent this year.  To speak about the hurt that I see and to show the healing that God offers.  To tell the Truth with love.  To bring glory back to the One who made me.