Keep Working

I'm not having the best day, or week really.  The boys have been very rambunctious and not listening very well, which is normal, but it just seems a little extra this week.  So as I was contemplating what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to be doing, I thought of my blog for some odd reason.  And a question came to my mind: what does it look like to be "farming by faith at Spring Lawn Farm" right now?

It certainly looks different than it did 2.5 years ago, and much, much different than it did 5 years ago.

The farming part looks a lot different.  We don't have any animals, not even pets (I'm still trying to convince Josiah that some sort of pet would be good for the boys).  We don't farm the land we live on.  We watch as others plant, harvest, and work in the fields around our house.  Josiah works away from home.  He is still a farmer, but now he is a crop farmer for other people.  I have a small garden and various flowerbeds that I am attempting to manage, that’s the extent of my agricultural farming duties these days.

On the surface, I would say that the faith part is the only part that has stayed the same.  But digging deeper, I know that’s not true.  When you’re living through a difficult experience, you need to dig down to find something to keep you from falling over.  My faith in God was that.  I prayed a lot, I had a running conversation with God throughout the day (and night).  I read my Bible consistently.  I wrote, either on my blog or in a journal on a regular basis.  I had evening worship times where I would sit down with my guitar and play, probably at least once a week.  I felt close to God.

I hung on to God’s promises and provision with everything that I had.  I prayed for relief from the stress and pain of that situation.  And I am now living in a time of release from that, but it’s actually a harder place to exist in than being in the middle of the struggle.  Because I don’t have to hold on to God so tightly, lean into Him so much, depend on Him to make it through the day, I don’t “need” to be doing any of those things that I used to do.  I try, but it is so much easier to depend on myself when I have all these “small” issues that pop up in my day.  I can get through just fine on my own, right?  If today is any indicator, the answer is a resounding “no!”  

Our location has changed, so we are no longer at the physical location of the farm that was Spring Lawn.  But I guess Spring Lawn Farm lives on.  Perhaps it was never a location, but a group of people, namely the Garber family, working together to help things grow and provide for people.  That is my daily reality.  Trying to help my little ones grow in wisdom, knowledge, and character, and providing what I am able to them and others.

So, in a new way, I am still Farming by Faith at Spring Lawn Farm, I just didn’t realize it until today when I was staring at a picture that Josiah took:

It has Philippians 1: 6 written on it:

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

I hope God keeps farming in my life as I keep farming in the lives of my little guys.  I certainly need it.

Moving Day

God certainly has a way of pushing us out of our comfort zones.

Tomorrow is a day that I hoped I wouldn't come.  Moving day.

I was hoping to grow old here, in this peaceful place, and maybe move eventually, when one of the boys took over running the farm.  But God had different plans.

We decided it was time to sell the farm back in October 2019.  And on the very brisk, sunny day of December 7, 2019, the farm was sold.



Dawn 12/7/2019

 

The process leading up to the sale was extremely painful, but on that day, I felt relieved.  I was ready for this step to be done.

 

Looking back, it is easy to see the Lord leading us throughout the entire journey.  The timing was right.  We couldn't be more thrilled with who bought the property, they've been so gracious with us as we looked for a new place.  The story of our new house is nothing short of miraculous, and we have been so blessed by everyone who helped us get ready for tomorrow.  We don't even deserve the kindness that everyone has poured out on us.

 

I've really never had to move before (I went to college and moved out of my parents' house when I got married, but those aren't as big as this feels).  We have 10.5 years of memories and clutter, adding on 2 little boys and their possessions (which aren't too terribly much), plus an attic full of past heirlooms that don't feel right being left behind.

 

I can't count the number of times that I told God I couldn't do this, emotionally or physically.  But somehow He always knows my limit and how to push me to see past what I think is possible.

 

I mean, we are going to be moving in the middle of a worldwide pandemic...  I never thought that would happen either (the pandemic, but also having to move during a pandemic). 

 

Normally we would have a small army of people helping out and I probably would try to have the boys be occupied elsewhere, with someone else.  But when you don't want to endanger other people's health or spread a deadly disease, it takes a lot more patience, grace, and strength than I think I have.

 

So if you think about us tomorrow (4/4/20), you can pray (especially that I don't lose my mind... or anything else).

 

 



Throwing stones

Ever have one of those days where you wonder how you got here?

Where you went wrong?

How your little three-ring circus blew up into a hurricane?

How your child would have the audacity to throw stones at his grandmother's car because he's angry that she didn't have any more strawberries to feed him?!?!

True story.

Things had been going fairly well, no major hiccups, rebellions, or catastrophes...

Until boy #2 falls off the picnic table bench flat on his face, causing his two front teeth to puncture his bottom lip.  Let's just say I'm really glad I was wearing a black shirt.

Maybe that's the reason for the rebellion of boy #1.  He probably felt like he wasn't getting enough attention.  Thus the stone throwing.

I was horrified.  Mortified.  Brain-fried.

Somehow, I managed not to act like myself.  I did not yell (shocking, right!?).

I. just. didn't. even. know.

We're in the parenting elective Sunday School class at our church.  Probably a good thing, we're getting lots of practice with the things we're learning. {Palm to face}

Trying to get to the heart of the matter with a three year old is... like pulling teeth, and then some.

He didn't even understand why he did what he did.  He didn't understand there was an emotion behind his actions.  He didn't understand that he let his emotions dictate his behavior.

But really, what 3yo understands that!?  That's a hard concept for most adults.

I've been reminded several times recently, that the best place to turn with our children (and in general) for answers is the Bible.  So that's where we went.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you.    Think about it overnight and remain silent.         -Psalm 4: 4

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you."  Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.   -Ephesians 4: 26-27

I'm not sure how much he understood in that moment, but he did tell Josiah later that we looked at some Bible verses when they talked about what happened.

It was also a good reminder for me.  I never thought I was an angry person until I had kids.  Now anger peaks through on what seems like a daily basis.

While anger itself is not a sin, letting it control my actions is.


So, now we keep going, keep talking, keep reminding over and over again until we all get it a little bit better.

We don't learn things by osmosis after all.

Change Is Hard

These spring evenings are beautiful!

I love them... and hate them at the same time.

They remind me of how much I miss being in the dairy industry, how much I miss working together as a family.  I miss seeing Joshua care for the calves.

I spent some time standing in the empty parlor recently thinking about the past.  I realized one big difference.

When I was working in that parlor, I knew exactly what I was doing.  The motions were easy and routine.  I wasn't scared, not of the equipment or the cows.  I was the boss.

These days, with children, I don't know exactly what I'm doing.  Nothing comes easy or is the same every day.  I'm scared I'm messing my boys up.  And the harder I try to be the boss, the less in control I feel.

It's crazy, but in a time when we had very little control over our circumstances (the volatility of the milk price and so many variables that affect cow health and production), I had so much peace.  And now, when it feels like we have more wiggle room with where we're at and where we can go, I have so many questions and faith can feel hard to come by.

It seems so backwards.  That's probably why I've had such a difficult time adjusting to the change.

I wrote these words back in September of 2016, but I feel they still apply to my life today:

Life for me recently has been a challenge.  We had a baby last November and that was a gigantic change for me.  If you know me well, you know that change and I don't exactly get along.  I like slow and steady.  Give me the same routine, the same task every day and I will be happy.

Unfortunately, Baby Boy (Joshua) doesn't know that.  He likes to sleep through the night for a few nights in a row and then throw in a few nights where he wakes up multiple times.  He likes to take one really long nap a day, and then the next day he'll throw me for a loop and take three 30 minute naps (30 minute naps are the worst!!).

And then there is this struggle with trying to figure out how to get everything done around the house, while he is either clinging to my legs wanting to be held, or wandering off into the next room to explore and see how much laundry he can unfold.  Or trying to do things while he takes his naps of unpredictable lengths, when all I really want to do is have a cup of coffee and sit down. 

I feel like I haven't caught up with this change yet.  I can't quite figure out this new role of "mom."  How do I fit into this role, or how does this role fit into me?  I don't know yet which question is the correct one, or the answer to it.  I feel as though I am no longer "Valerie."  I am "mom" or "mama."

That last sentence reminds me of Galatians 2: 20- "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

I am no longer who I was.  I've been changed by change.  And I will constantly be changed by change, if I allow God to grow me in that way instead of clinging stubbornly to the things that were.  And it is hard.  Change is still not my favorite thing.  But through God's grace I am making it through.

Catching up

While I'm at it, I have a little catching up to do with posting.

Two days after we sold the cows (November 2017), we had our second boy, Isaiah.

Joshua (L) and Isaiah (R) as newborns.

Busy boys

Life with two boys is never dull!

Joshua

Isaiah

At this point in life, it is much easier to post pictures than write something intelligible.  But that's how it is with seasons of life.

Perspective Shift

I am having trouble articulating my thoughts recently, mainly because there is so much going on in my head that I don't know what I really want to say.  And there are so many emotions running around in me that I'm a little confused over what exactly I'm feeling.

I know that I feel sadness.  A year ago today, two major events happened on this farm.  

The first was that we decided to sell the cows.  

The second thing, I'm hesitant to talk about, because everything has not been settled and I don't want my words to negatively affect the outcome or consequences.  I will only say that it was something that felt very devastating to the farm, something that we never expected to happen, a structural failure of sorts.  I still think back to that evening, an hour and a half before the event, I had been walking with Joshua in an area that, if we were there a few hours later, we may have lost our lives.  Still, all I can do when I think of that evening is shake my head in disbelief at the sight of that accident, and remind myself to keep breathing, that we're okay and that we received a miracle and a confirmation in that one awful moment.  It was time to sell the cows (once again, I am being purposefully vague in exactly what happened).

I was fighting to hold it together this morning while at a mom's group that I attend.  Feeling sorry for myself, for my loss.  And then we walked outside and I was reminded that I'm not the only one feeling loss.  A graveside service for the mom of someone I know was just finishing up.  I always start to feel a little silly when I see and hear about other people's difficult situations, they always seem so much worse or more important than selling a bunch of cows.

But diminishing my story and my pain doesn't make me feel any better.  I know that the timing was right for us to walk away from dairying, but that fact doesn't help my feelings either.  

So I've kind of been feeling stuck in this place of having all the feelings, but not knowing what exactly is going on, what God is doing, what He's trying to accomplish through all this.

"This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing."  -Romans 4: 17b (NLT)

Pretty much that verse sums it up, the small hope that I've been clinging to through this.  The only way that anything good will come out of all this is if God makes it happen.  He's going to have to be the one to bring the dead hopes back to life and create new things out of the nothing that I'm feeling.  

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
    but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."

-Proverbs 13: 12

22 

The other day as I was walking around this (too) quiet farm, I was thinking that maybe my perspective is what is holding me in this stuck place.  Maybe if I think more about what we had and less about what we lost.  Considering the "firsts" rather than obsessing over the "lasts."  More thankfulness and less longing.  That sounds a little too familiar for comfort, like the Israelites longing for slavery back in Egypt instead of the dusty, hot desert where they didn't have enough food and water.  The place where they were slaves but had plenty rather than the hard journey to the promised land. (Exodus 16)

There are more sad milestones coming over the next few months, but there are also some joyful ones coming as well.  Our little boy will be turning 3 and our baby boy will be turning one (I can't believe they're growing up so fast!!!  I look at my 3yo and wonder how he got to be such a handsome, perceptive little boy!).  We'll get to celebrate the holiday season with family surrounding us.  We'll be welcoming a new niece or nephew.   Even though I'm being reluctantly thankful about all these things (not because I'm not thankful for them, maybe just because it's easier to see the negative), I still feel some of the heaviness lifting.  

Lord, change my perspective.  Maybe then I can see all the things You are resurrecting in me and all that You are creating anew in my life.

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!"

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
    to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
    for salvation from the Lord."

-Lamentations 3: 22-26

"Failure"

There is a lot more to the story that I posted the other day, but it would have been way too overwhelming to write everything down in one post.  I think it will have to come in bits and pieces as we process everything more and see where God is leading us.

Something I've thought about a lot over this whole journey has been failure.  At first, I was worried about what other people would think when they heard we were selling our cows.  I thought it would seem like a big failure to them.  I could just picture some people laughing and whispering behind our backs about us not being able to make it in a tough dairy economy.

But here's the thing about failure.  Maybe we're too quick to call something failure when the Lord has another name for it; His leading.  Maybe failure is His way of directing us away from something that might seem good in the short term, but in the long run isn't His best plan for us.  And only through the difficult process of "failure," will we grow in the ways and areas that will make us more like Him.

One of my favorite podcasts that I've ever heard is a series by James MacDonald called When Life Is Hard.  Our veterinarian introduced it to us a couple of years ago (thanks Bridget!!).  One of the things that James MacDonald talks about is the difference between trials and consequences.  In life, there are consequences for our actions, for example if you rob a bank, you could go to jail if you are caught.  That is a consequence, not a trial.  He says that Christian men and women go through difficult trials to display "the superiority of a life lived in Christ."  Our choices, thoughts, and actions through a trial will display where we are rooted and display the reason why we can ever bear up under that trial.  We have hope in something more than our jobs, our dreams, and our goals in this life.  And that is the reason that we can keep going, trusting that the Lord will work out His specific plans, trusting that He is good even when it doesn't feel like it, and trusting that there is so much more that He has for us than our little human brains can ask or imagine.

Season of change

I have so much to say, but every time I sit down to write, the words won't come.  I'm going to try to push through this because I want to share what we've been going through this past year and where we are headed.

This year has been and will be one that revolved around change.  Change is not something that I readily put myself through on a regular basis, I would rather stick with the status quo of life, let's not rock the boat too much, even-keeled everyday living.  But the more I go through difficult circumstances, the more I can see that I need change in my life.  Changes, especially hard ones, make me lean harder in the Lord.  They make me set aside my desires and dreams and ask the Lord, "what are You trying to teach me through all this?"  I've been having this kind of scary thought recently: maybe I shouldn't wish for seasons of rest, because in those seasons its almost harder to trust the Lord than in the hard times.  And that is a truly terrifying thought to my North American perspective and lifestyle.

This whole year, my husband and I have been processing what we should do in the coming years.  The dairy industry has been a hard one over the past 9 years or more.  We (I say we to include the previous generation, not just myself and Josiah) expanded the dairy in 2007.  2008 was a "rebuilding" year, trying to get the cows used to a new facility and back up in production, while paying off loans and other bills from the expansion project.  Then 2009 hit.  And it hit hard.  Milk prices were very low and as you can probably figure out, low milk prices for a dairy that is trying to pay off loans is not a good thing.  And it just feels like we could never get our feet back underneath us with one thing or another.

In 2013, Josiah and I bought the farm.  We restructured everything, renovated the barn and milking parlor to meet our (and the herd's needs), and tried to keep moving forward.  2014 was a really good year for milk prices, but once again, we were in a "rebuilding" year where we were all adjusting to the stress of finishing up construction and getting the herd healthy and used to a new routine.  So we've basically been holding on for the past 4 years with everything that we have.

This past March, Josiah was approached by my dad about the possibility of coming to work for him and 2 of my uncles.  I don't even know how to describe the agonizing decision that was, especially for me.  I did not grow up on a dairy farm, and over the past 8+ years of working on one, I have fallen in love with the animals and the work itself, as hard as it is.  I'm the one that drug my feet on giving up this lifestyle.  I felt like it's all I've ever been good at and to take that away is crushing.  But at the same time, the Lord was leading me to let go of this thing that I have held on to so tightly, this idea that dairy farming is the only way we can live our lives, that it is somehow my only identity.

But changes are coming.  In about a week, we are selling our cows.  We don't know exactly what the future will look like yet (of course, we never know what the future looks like until we get there, and we never get there because the future is always the future).

There have been a few verses that I've been clinging to over the past few months:

- "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27: 13-14

In a world where nothing is for certain, if I can get to that point where I can say that the Lord is good through everything, I'm getting somewhere.  His goodness may not always look like what I had planned, but He does have good plans for me (Jeremiah 29: 11), and even if I have to walk through difficult times, He is still there and He is doing work in my life to make me more and more into who He created me to be in Him.

-"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need." -Psalm 23: 1

As simple and familiar as this verse is, I've been reminded that it is true.  The Lord does provide all that I need.  Once again, sometimes what I think I need and what I actually need aren't the same things, but the Lord is faithful to gently lead me away from the things that might actually hurt me in the long run that might seem good right now.

I am going to miss the cows, the work, and our workers like crazy, but all the more importantly, I don't want to miss out on what the Lord has for me in this new season.  I don't want to miss out on the purpose that He is fitting me for even now in the middle of the messy unknowns of life.

A book that has meant a lot to me during this season (besides the Bible, that's been a very important aspect of life + tons of prayer) is Girl Meets Change by Kristen Strong.  There were also a few Bible studies that have been impactful over the past year as well, the 2 that stand out are by Priscilla Shirer: Discerning the Voice of God, and The Armor of God.

Something to work on this year

I'm a few days late with these thoughts I guess, but I'm still mulling over exactly what this means for me this new year.

And I've been anxiously holding my breath, hoping that the stomach bug that has recently visited my sister's home will not show its presence here.  I always get a little unsettled in my stomach when I know someone I've recently been around has gotten the stomach virus.

So something that I've been noticing recently... well, not really recently, I've kind of always known, so... something that I've been wanting to work on recently has been communication.

I like when people communicate in a direct way, not beating around the bush, but saying what needs to be said, in a kind way of course.  To me, a good communicator is succinct (without leaving out pertinent information), direct, and kind.  I feel like you need all of those factors.  Some people can be direct and blunt, but leave out the compassion for their listeners.  And others can be a little overly nice in their speech and never actually say what needs to be said.

I would probably fall more in the second category.  I try not to be too wordy when I speak (which really isn't that hard for me, I don't talk much.  I think it has something to do with the verse in Proverbs 10: 19, "when words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." For some reason that verse has always stuck with me), but I also don't always get around to what I actually want to say because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the person that I'm talking with.

So I guess one of my goals for this year is to work on my communication skills.  And not just with other people, but with God as well.  I've kind of been slacking in my prayer life since the little guy came into our lives 13 months ago.

Who knows, maybe I'll even improve my communication skills on my blog too (actually posting more than once in a blue moon). 😬

Farming can be dangerous

Josiah almost died today.

And I'm not being overdramatic about that statement.  There were many, many miracles that happened to prevent the accident that he had from resulting in serious injury or death.

It's hard to describe.

It's hard to describe the feeling of getting a text from Josiah telling you to come to the manure day-pit because he's trapped.  I don't even know how he had the strength or the wits about him to send me a text and call his dad and grandpa on the phone while teetering on the edge of the pit.  I gathered from his text that it was serious, but to [speed]walk around the corner of the barn and see the position of the skid loader on it's front with the bucket down in the pit and just a chain link fence holding both it and Josiah from falling into 5+ feet of manure that was being agitated, that really got my adrenaline going.

He was trapped for maybe 10 minutes.  I'm thankful that the right people were there to help.  I couldn't have driven the tractor to pull the skid loader back off the fence.

It was a scary experience.  And I'm so thankful that Josiah is okay!

Farming can be dangerous.  It's really scary to think of all that could go wrong each day with the chores that are done every single day.  Something could break, or a tire could go flat at the wrong time, or a cow could get spooked and kick back as you're walking past her stall.  Anything could happen, and it's hard not to think about that right now since something bad almost did happen.  Equipment is replaceable, but human life is precious and fragile.

On a broader scope, anything could happen to anyone at any moment.  A car accident.  An illness that started out as something minor.  Food poisoning.  A meteor strike!?!?  Really anything.

But if I dwell on all the "what if's," I will become paralyzed with fear to even move or breathe (which would also be deadly).

Today was a scary experience, but I know that whatever happens, God is still in control and He has already been victorious over death or anything else that can happen to an earthly body.

It's not an easy thing to believe, but where else can that real, deep, root-drenching hope be found but in a relationship with God?

I'm so thankful for my family!!