I love them... and hate them at the same time.
They remind me of how much I miss being in the dairy industry, how much I miss working together as a family. I miss seeing Joshua care for the calves.
I spent some time standing in the empty parlor recently thinking about the past. I realized one big difference.
When I was working in that parlor, I knew exactly what I was doing. The motions were easy and routine. I wasn't scared, not of the equipment or the cows. I was the boss.
These days, with children, I don't know exactly what I'm doing. Nothing comes easy or is the same every day. I'm scared I'm messing my boys up. And the harder I try to be the boss, the less in control I feel.
It's crazy, but in a time when we had very little control over our circumstances (the volatility of the milk price and so many variables that affect cow health and production), I had so much peace. And now, when it feels like we have more wiggle room with where we're at and where we can go, I have so many questions and faith can feel hard to come by.
It seems so backwards. That's probably why I've had such a difficult time adjusting to the change.
I wrote these words back in September of 2016, but I feel they still apply to my life today:
Life for me recently has been a challenge. We had a baby last November and that was a gigantic change for me. If you know me well, you know that change and I don't exactly get along. I like slow and steady. Give me the same routine, the same task every day and I will be happy.
Unfortunately, Baby Boy (Joshua) doesn't know that. He likes to sleep through the night for a few nights in a row and then throw in a few nights where he wakes up multiple times. He likes to take one really long nap a day, and then the next day he'll throw me for a loop and take three 30 minute naps (30 minute naps are the worst!!).
And then there is this struggle with trying to figure out how to get everything done around the house, while he is either clinging to my legs wanting to be held, or wandering off into the next room to explore and see how much laundry he can unfold. Or trying to do things while he takes his naps of unpredictable lengths, when all I really want to do is have a cup of coffee and sit down.
I feel like I haven't caught up with this change yet. I can't quite figure out this new role of "mom." How do I fit into this role, or how does this role fit into me? I don't know yet which question is the correct one, or the answer to it. I feel as though I am no longer "Valerie." I am "mom" or "mama."
That last sentence reminds me of Galatians 2: 20- "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
I am no longer who I was. I've been changed by change. And I will constantly be changed by change, if I allow God to grow me in that way instead of clinging stubbornly to the things that were. And it is hard. Change is still not my favorite thing. But through God's grace I am making it through.
