Throwing stones

Ever have one of those days where you wonder how you got here?

Where you went wrong?

How your little three-ring circus blew up into a hurricane?

How your child would have the audacity to throw stones at his grandmother's car because he's angry that she didn't have any more strawberries to feed him?!?!

True story.

Things had been going fairly well, no major hiccups, rebellions, or catastrophes...

Until boy #2 falls off the picnic table bench flat on his face, causing his two front teeth to puncture his bottom lip.  Let's just say I'm really glad I was wearing a black shirt.

Maybe that's the reason for the rebellion of boy #1.  He probably felt like he wasn't getting enough attention.  Thus the stone throwing.

I was horrified.  Mortified.  Brain-fried.

Somehow, I managed not to act like myself.  I did not yell (shocking, right!?).

I. just. didn't. even. know.

We're in the parenting elective Sunday School class at our church.  Probably a good thing, we're getting lots of practice with the things we're learning. {Palm to face}

Trying to get to the heart of the matter with a three year old is... like pulling teeth, and then some.

He didn't even understand why he did what he did.  He didn't understand there was an emotion behind his actions.  He didn't understand that he let his emotions dictate his behavior.

But really, what 3yo understands that!?  That's a hard concept for most adults.

I've been reminded several times recently, that the best place to turn with our children (and in general) for answers is the Bible.  So that's where we went.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you.    Think about it overnight and remain silent.         -Psalm 4: 4

And “don’t sin by letting anger control you."  Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.   -Ephesians 4: 26-27

I'm not sure how much he understood in that moment, but he did tell Josiah later that we looked at some Bible verses when they talked about what happened.

It was also a good reminder for me.  I never thought I was an angry person until I had kids.  Now anger peaks through on what seems like a daily basis.

While anger itself is not a sin, letting it control my actions is.


So, now we keep going, keep talking, keep reminding over and over again until we all get it a little bit better.

We don't learn things by osmosis after all.

Season of change

I have so much to say, but every time I sit down to write, the words won't come.  I'm going to try to push through this because I want to share what we've been going through this past year and where we are headed.

This year has been and will be one that revolved around change.  Change is not something that I readily put myself through on a regular basis, I would rather stick with the status quo of life, let's not rock the boat too much, even-keeled everyday living.  But the more I go through difficult circumstances, the more I can see that I need change in my life.  Changes, especially hard ones, make me lean harder in the Lord.  They make me set aside my desires and dreams and ask the Lord, "what are You trying to teach me through all this?"  I've been having this kind of scary thought recently: maybe I shouldn't wish for seasons of rest, because in those seasons its almost harder to trust the Lord than in the hard times.  And that is a truly terrifying thought to my North American perspective and lifestyle.

This whole year, my husband and I have been processing what we should do in the coming years.  The dairy industry has been a hard one over the past 9 years or more.  We (I say we to include the previous generation, not just myself and Josiah) expanded the dairy in 2007.  2008 was a "rebuilding" year, trying to get the cows used to a new facility and back up in production, while paying off loans and other bills from the expansion project.  Then 2009 hit.  And it hit hard.  Milk prices were very low and as you can probably figure out, low milk prices for a dairy that is trying to pay off loans is not a good thing.  And it just feels like we could never get our feet back underneath us with one thing or another.

In 2013, Josiah and I bought the farm.  We restructured everything, renovated the barn and milking parlor to meet our (and the herd's needs), and tried to keep moving forward.  2014 was a really good year for milk prices, but once again, we were in a "rebuilding" year where we were all adjusting to the stress of finishing up construction and getting the herd healthy and used to a new routine.  So we've basically been holding on for the past 4 years with everything that we have.

This past March, Josiah was approached by my dad about the possibility of coming to work for him and 2 of my uncles.  I don't even know how to describe the agonizing decision that was, especially for me.  I did not grow up on a dairy farm, and over the past 8+ years of working on one, I have fallen in love with the animals and the work itself, as hard as it is.  I'm the one that drug my feet on giving up this lifestyle.  I felt like it's all I've ever been good at and to take that away is crushing.  But at the same time, the Lord was leading me to let go of this thing that I have held on to so tightly, this idea that dairy farming is the only way we can live our lives, that it is somehow my only identity.

But changes are coming.  In about a week, we are selling our cows.  We don't know exactly what the future will look like yet (of course, we never know what the future looks like until we get there, and we never get there because the future is always the future).

There have been a few verses that I've been clinging to over the past few months:

- "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27: 13-14

In a world where nothing is for certain, if I can get to that point where I can say that the Lord is good through everything, I'm getting somewhere.  His goodness may not always look like what I had planned, but He does have good plans for me (Jeremiah 29: 11), and even if I have to walk through difficult times, He is still there and He is doing work in my life to make me more and more into who He created me to be in Him.

-"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need." -Psalm 23: 1

As simple and familiar as this verse is, I've been reminded that it is true.  The Lord does provide all that I need.  Once again, sometimes what I think I need and what I actually need aren't the same things, but the Lord is faithful to gently lead me away from the things that might actually hurt me in the long run that might seem good right now.

I am going to miss the cows, the work, and our workers like crazy, but all the more importantly, I don't want to miss out on what the Lord has for me in this new season.  I don't want to miss out on the purpose that He is fitting me for even now in the middle of the messy unknowns of life.

A book that has meant a lot to me during this season (besides the Bible, that's been a very important aspect of life + tons of prayer) is Girl Meets Change by Kristen Strong.  There were also a few Bible studies that have been impactful over the past year as well, the 2 that stand out are by Priscilla Shirer: Discerning the Voice of God, and The Armor of God.

Something to work on this year

I'm a few days late with these thoughts I guess, but I'm still mulling over exactly what this means for me this new year.

And I've been anxiously holding my breath, hoping that the stomach bug that has recently visited my sister's home will not show its presence here.  I always get a little unsettled in my stomach when I know someone I've recently been around has gotten the stomach virus.

So something that I've been noticing recently... well, not really recently, I've kind of always known, so... something that I've been wanting to work on recently has been communication.

I like when people communicate in a direct way, not beating around the bush, but saying what needs to be said, in a kind way of course.  To me, a good communicator is succinct (without leaving out pertinent information), direct, and kind.  I feel like you need all of those factors.  Some people can be direct and blunt, but leave out the compassion for their listeners.  And others can be a little overly nice in their speech and never actually say what needs to be said.

I would probably fall more in the second category.  I try not to be too wordy when I speak (which really isn't that hard for me, I don't talk much.  I think it has something to do with the verse in Proverbs 10: 19, "when words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." For some reason that verse has always stuck with me), but I also don't always get around to what I actually want to say because I don't want to hurt the feelings of the person that I'm talking with.

So I guess one of my goals for this year is to work on my communication skills.  And not just with other people, but with God as well.  I've kind of been slacking in my prayer life since the little guy came into our lives 13 months ago.

Who knows, maybe I'll even improve my communication skills on my blog too (actually posting more than once in a blue moon). 😬

Happy Father's Day & Joshua's story

So today, along with being Father's Day, was also the child and baby dedication at our church.  There were 8 children being dedicated!!  And Joshua was one of them.  (Only one child was a girl!)  I thought I would share what we shared in front of the church, which is an abbreviated version of Joshua's story of existence and words of encouragement for him from us.

        .................................................................................................................................................

Valerie:  In 2012 (and really since 2009) the farm was going through a difficult financial time.  I was reading through the book of Joshua and I felt the Lord prompting me that the name of our first son was supposed to be Joshua, which means "the Lord saves," because the Lord was going to save us through that hard time (and He still is).  So I wrote that down on a piece of paper and hid it away for later.  (I brought it along to the hospital to show family and friends after he was born.  The date on it was 10/29/2012)
  Then in February of 2015, I had a dream that we had a baby boy on December 1 (I asked the date several times in my dream just to be sure) and we named him Joshua Clay.  **Side note that I forgot to share: If I had been a boy, my parents would have named me Joshua.  I had forgotten all about this until after Joshua was born and my mom reminded me!!**  When we had the doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy, they told us our due date was December 11, which is the date of our dating anniversary.

Josiah:  I am the fourth generation in the Garber family with the initials of JCG.  We thought this was a neat tradition that we wanted to carry on.  And Joshua Clay fit that "criteria."
  At our 20 week ultrasound, we found out we were having a baby boy and he was growing well.  The next day Valerie had to go back for some follow-up ultrasound pictures and received the diagnosis that our baby had a 2 vessel umbilical cord, a normal cord has 3 vessels.  **Another thing not shared:  Valerie also had a low lying placenta, which can also lead to more complications.  Thankfully it moved up to its proper place after a few weeks.**  Because of this we were scheduled for a few extra check-ups.

Valerie:  At the first of these extra appointments, I went by myself (Josiah had been able to go to all them so far).

Josiah:  Shortly after Valerie left, I got a phone call from her saying she was headed over to the specialist (Maternal Fetal Medicine or MFM) for an emergency ultrasound because the baby's heart rate was irregular.  I joined Valerie for this appointment and every appointment after this.  **They didn't find anything wrong, his heart rate was normal and continued to be normal at every visit.**  Monthly, then biweekly, then weekly ultrasounds (and non-stress tests) followed and consumed the last 3 months of the pregnancy.  These appointments confirmed Joshua's health, renewed our faith in God and reminded us that "the Lord saves," and an added bonus was that we got to see 3D pictures of him almost every week until he was born.
  We prepared for a December 1 arrival.  And on Monday, November 30, we went in to the hospital in the evening, hoping now was the time.  Joshua Clay was born November 30 at 11:55pm.

***Big side note here:  The midwife asked if we wanted to wait until December 1 to have Joshua because we mentioned the dream, but we decided that we didn't need to specifically wait for that date.  Whenever he came, we would be happy.      So when Joshua was still inside me, he apparently pooped, a lot.  This first poop is called meconium and is black and sticky.  When this happens and the baby is born, they may have meconium in their mouths and can inhale it which is pretty bad for their lungs, as you can imagine.  So they try to take the baby quickly after birth and suck as much meconium out as possible before they can breathe it in.  We later learned that the midwife said this was the worst amount of meconium that she had ever seen and she was a bit worried that it could basically have killed him (this midwife (lovely woman that she is) tends to be very excitable and even maybe a little overdramatic at times, so I'm not sure really how serious it was).  Thinking back on this, I wonder if part of the reason for my dream was a warning?  Maybe Joshua wouldn't have made it if we had waited until December 1?  Either way, God's timing was perfect!***

Valerie:  Joshua, it would have been easy to see all these challenges arising and be discouraged and even fearful that we may never be able to meet you.  But the Lord is consistently faithful.  All your extra check-ups were an assurance of this and of His promise to save you.
  It would have been (and sometimes was) easy to doubt God's timing of your birth, but we kept holding on to that promise of December 1, even when others may have laughed it off as a simple dream.  Through your birth, our faith has been strengthened in the promises and faithfulness of God!

Josiah:  Joshua, may you live a faithful, passionate life; whole-heartedly chasing the dreams the Lord lays on your heart.  Be a strong and courageous mighty warrior, fighting battles for the Lord.
  Joshua 1: 9,  "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Happy Father's Day Daddy!!

Day 22: Living not just surviving

I couldn't sleep the other night.  Like, I slept fine until about 3am, then I was awake in bed for an hour before I decided it was better to just get up.  I wasn't really anxious about anything or have anything specific that was on my mind, I just could not fall back to sleep.

I guess it's practice for wake up calls that will begin in December.  I have not missed being on call all the time, like I used to be for the first 5 years of our marriage (we both were, and Josiah still is, but he doesn't get called nearly as much as he did in those first 5 years).  It is going to take every ounce of simple and creative gifts that I have to not just survive this season, but to feel like I'm actually living.

I don't like that feeling.  It's stressful.  I tend to shut down every non-essential thing (I'm sure a lot of other people do this too) and just focus on survival.  But that could be very bad because I'm not exactly an outgoing people person, so that's the thing that I tend to let go of first, relationships.

For example, we just started new small groups at our church, and sign up was completely voluntary.  I signed up.

And now I'm thinking, "how am I ever going to be able to do this?"  We meet as a group every other week and then we are supposed to meet with one or two other people on the off weeks for accountability and encouragement.  And I missed our first group meeting because I wasn't feeling well.

I missed the relationship of small groups, but I'm just not sure I can do this right now.  Maybe if this was not our first child.  But since this will be our first, life is full of unknowns.  And I don't like unknowns, they usually include some sort of change, and change is hard for me.  And all of this hasn't happened yet, so it is all completely hypothetical!

See what I mean?  Relationships outside of my house seem to be the first thing I chuck out the window when I'm looking at survival mode, even just imagining survival mode.

These verses are a handy reminder for those times:

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do,whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.   -Colossians 3: 12- 17

A letter to my younger self

Dear you/me/young one,

There are some things you need to know as you grow up.

First of all, never eat avocados.  If you heed this warning it will save you from a night of sickness and sleeplessness.  They make you sick, don't do it!  (At least, I think they make you sick and I wouldn't take the chance of eating them again, it's not worth it, and you don't really love them anyway.)

Secondly, avoid tackling in soccer with the outside of your foot.  You will sprain your ankle and it will swell up to the size of a softball.  If at all possible, avoid the sprained ankles, they really hurt!  You will enjoy your sports experience much more if you follow my advice.

Wear sunscreen, getting sunburned isn't worth it.

Don't just buy stuff at the store because you want it.  Think it over, if you can't see yourself using/wearing that item in at least 1 year, don't waste your money.

Take a photography class in high school.

Try not to procrastinate so much, it really will make school easier and you'll be more rested.

Look out for that young man in gym class (and every other class), he is cute and seems overconfident, but that's because he likes you.  It's okay to like him back. (Josiah wanted me to add this one)

Cows are not that scary.  They might be big, but they are gentle, curious, lovable creatures.  And yes, they do smell, but you'll get over that.


And most importantly, don't be afraid of being who God created you to be.  In order to learn this, don't look around at what other people are doing, don't compare yourself.  That is a game you cannot win.

You were made in the image of God.  You are smart, beautiful, and creative, because He is.  Get to know Him and you will know who He created you to be.  Never stop pursuing, knowing, and being known by God.  Hunger after it above all other things.  He knows your heart.

He has given you dreams.  He has plans for you.  He wants to use you.  He wants to fill you with joy.  He wants to free you!  Don't be afraid of what He may ask you to do.  He will give you what you need when you need it.

Don't be afraid of other people.  God has given you the words to say, if not in person, then in an email or letter.  We're all human and all walking around with scars and hurt, so be sensitive but strong.  Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4: 15).

Please, don't lose hope.  Pray more for that one impossible thing, you'll know what I'm talking about when you're older.  Don't give up hope, I haven't given up hope for that one yet, even though it does seem impossible.

Read/devour the Bible.  You'll need those words of truth.  Pray.  A lot.  It really makes a difference.

One last thing.  Your life won't turn out how you expected/dreamed it would, but it will be okay.  It's called growing character, and although painful, it is worth it.  You'll make it, I promise.  God is still faithful.

Stuck in the muddy mess: relationships

Have you ever just felt stuck?  In life, in a certain situation, in the mud?  It's very frustrating.

Something happens and I just can't get it out of my head, but I also can't think of any good solutions that will work and not make anyone else involved feel hurt.  So it just keeps swirling.  And then you think of something, but more things happen that just decimate that option and you're stuck all over again.  And then, after a while, you just don't even want to try any more.  It would just be easier to walk away and let someone else deal with the responsibility.

(It makes me wonder, do I ever do or say things that frustrate other people this much?  Maybe it's more often what I don't say that would frustrate them more.)

And then I remember, that's not me.  That's not how I should deal with things, because if I walked away, it would leave more hurt, for other people and myself, than if I stick it out and work through it.  I've been on the receiving side of that, where people have walked out of my life, no explanation at all.  Believe me, it leaves a lot of hurt and a lot more questions.

You know, I just wish more people were more sensitive to how their actions will affect other people.  I know you can't walk around in fear of how you come across, but more sensitivity would be nice.

Busy spring

Well, it's been a while, again.  I've been having some technical difficulties along with a busy life in general. 

The laptop is "my" computer to write on and it has a lifetime worth of photos on it, so that is my blogging computer.  But it decided that it no longer wants to work correctly.  Which is so frustrating that I just have to walk away from it.  So, I'm not sure what's going to happen with that thing.

Some things in life that have happened since I last wrote, which was February 21, wow that long ago!  Crazy! 
-I caught up to Josiah again, we are the same age for about nine months every year. 
-Somebody special got engaged!  One of Josiah's sisters (Kristen) will be getting married in September!
-I started doing something completely insane!  I started doing the Insanity workouts (seriously, some days I just want to lay on the floor after these workouts.  They are as crazy as their title).
-I went to Orange County, CA for a Brave: Love meeting.  It was super great!  We talked about Deborah (Judges 4-5) and I had a great time with Charise (Josiah's other sister) both in CA and then back in St. Louis where she is in med. school.
-The view from the North-facing windows of our house have changed dramatically.  We've had a lot of construction happening around the dairy these past few months.  I'll have to go out and take pictures some time of everything.  We also chopped down some trees.
-We had a baby shower for my sister.  She's due in a couple months and I am excited (/terrified) to be an aunt for the very first time!
-The rye harvest is complete.  Now it's time to plant the corn!

That's all I can think of for now.  Hopefully, I'll write again soon and have pics to go along.

For Such A Time As This: Advent Dec. 18

“Go and gather together all the Jews of Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. My maids and I will do the same. And then, though it is against the law, I will go in to see the king. If I must die, I must die.”  Esther 4: 16 (NLT)

Esther.  Another story told about the life of a Hebrew woman.  This time a beautiful young woman, crowned to be queen.

I had to let this one sit for a while today.  It made me think about my perspective.  How I see myself, my situation in life.

Esther maybe thought she would be safe because she was in. She was on the inside looking out at the injustices of the world. No one in the palace knew her true identity.  She was the queen, she had some power.

 She was scared to die.  She was scared that the king would sentence her to death if she approached him.  When her people had already been sentenced to die.  But Mordecai tells her, 

“Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape.  For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”  -Esther 4: 13-14 (NIV)

I get scared to do things sometimes.  Let it be anyone else but me.  I'm fine here in my quiet, neat, little world.  Besides, what do I have to give?  Someone else surely is better at using their gifts than me.

Sometimes, I grudgingly admit I have some gifts, a few talents, a small amount of abilities inside this mediocre being of me.  But what can these gifts really bring to other people?  

To their full extent, I'm not sure, because I've never extended myself that far.  I've never had to go to the point of "if I must die, I must die."

"When you unwrap your worth in the Gift of Christ, you release your grip on all the other gifts.  You are loved and carried and secure, and what else do you need when you have Him?  You are free, free, to lavishly give away your gifts when all your value, worth, joy, and riches are in the greatest of gifts."  -Ann Voskamp, The Greatest Gift (p.181)

For such a time as this...

You have been given great gifts.  How will you use them to love and care for those in need?  To rescue those on the outside looking in?

Extraordinary Ordinary: Advent Dec. 12

"But Ruth replied, 'Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God'."  -Ruth 1: 16

I don't know why, but I think the story of Ruth is one of my favorites from the Bible.  It might be because I have this memory that always runs through my head of the version performed by the cast of Focus On The Family's Adventures In Odyssey.  

Because really, if you just read the story of Ruth, there aren't any battles, and there aren't any amazing miracles.  It just looks like a plain-Jane story.

There's a famine, so a man and wife and their two sons move to a different country.  The sons marry, the father dies, then the sons die, leaving mom and two daughter-in-laws.  Mom (Naomi) decides there is nothing left for her in Moab and it's time to go back to Israel.

So Naomi and the two girls start their journey.  But something like bitterness is eating away at Naomi.  I can feel that feeling.  When nothing seems to be going your way and you kind of just want to wallow in your pain, and if there is more pain to be had you want it to happen right now, because if you're going to be hurt you might as well get it all over with at once.

So Orpah goes back to start over, probably find a new husband.  Big. Deal.

But Ruth refuses to leave Naomi.  She chooses a life of uncertainty and poverty.  And God.

I long to say something that desperately loving to someone.  "Wherever you go, I will go."

What a gift that was to Naomi.  She loses everyone else, but gains a faithful-to-the-end daughter-in-law.  Up to this point, there is nothing special about this woman.  She has been living in the mundane, she is mundane.  But with that declaration, she begins to shine out as extraordinary.

The story of Ruth doesn't need any big battle scenes or extravagant miracles.  Much of life isn't that way either.  Our every day is filled with the everyday.  We might not think that we are fighting battles or seeing miracles, but they are there.

Ruth fought a battle, one in her mind.  She probably had doubts of either path she could have taken, but she saw hope in Naomi and her God.  She didn't perform any extravagant miracles, like healing a person's limbs or bringing a person back from the dead.  But she did bring healing to Naomi's bitter soul over time with her faithfulness and love.

And this average woman, Ruth, she gets grafted in to the family history of Jesus because of her extraordinary gift of faithfulness to Naomi.

I don't usually see the battles or miracles that happen every day.  But that is something that I was trying to be more aware of today.

We think that Christmas is a celebration of this big event, the Savior coming as a baby.  It is, but it is also a celebration of the simple miracles and little victories that happen in our lives every day.  The ones that God uses to lead to the bigger miracles and victories.  And they all lead back to Him.

And that is what I notice when I s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n. in this season of chaos.

Blessing: Advent Dec. 5

"I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others."  -Genesis 12: 2

God tells Abram to leave all that is familiar, family, friends, land.  And right after this command/request/whatever you want to call it, God says, "I will bless you."

I don't know about you, but if God was asking me to pick up and move everything I own, everything I've ever known, I would have a few questions.  Like, "when are You going to bless me, God?  When I get to where I'm going?  On the way?  Before I die?  And where exactly am I supposed to go?  If I don't go to the right place, will You still bless me?"

Notice those questions all involve me.  What happens to me?  (It's called selfishness)  Not focusing on the second part of God's statement at all.  "You will be a blessing to others."

The blessing comes in, but it isn't supposed to just stay with us.  It needs to go out, be poured out for others.  I struggle with this.  It is so much easier for me to get than to give.  I know it, I recognize it, and yet it is so hard to unclench my fists around those blessings.  To let spill what I have received and been nourished with so that others can receive and be refreshed too.

Like the rich young man in Mark 10: 17-31.  I wonder what unimaginable blessing awaited him on the other side of letting go of all his possessions?  I'm not saying that everyone needs to give up all their possessions, it can be other things standing in the way.

For me it's control.  What would it look like if I gave up control of all these things that I grasp in my hands?  My dreams, my desires, my worship, my fear in relationships.  As long as I hold on to them in my closed hands, I cannot receive, with wide open hands, the much greater blessings that God has for me.

I love love love the quote from D. L. Moody that Ann writes for us in her book:

"Faith is the gift of God.  So is the air, but you have to breathe it;  so is bread, but you have to eat it;  so is water, but you have to drink it" (p.41, The Greatest Gift)

Forever Isn't Easy

It keeps coming back.  This feeling, when you come back.

You want friends not family.  I would rather have family than friends.  

Family is (supposed to be) forever.  They are closer, yes.  More easily hurt.  But worth every hurt, every reconciliation, every ounce of love.

You took family and threw it in the dirt.  Trampled on the very name of it.  Because you wanted you.  You chose yourself over everything else.

Hurt like that doesn't just disappear, and neither do you.  You keep coming back, bringing all the pain and questions with you.

Was it ever real?  Or did you only ever want to have fun not a family?  Did you ever care?  Was anything true?

I remember that day.  You promised forever.  Hugs went around.  Games were played.  Yes, it was fun.  Was everything a game after that?

Forever isn't all fun and games.  Forever isn't easy.  

Fun isn't forever.  Friends aren't forever either.  They change and go.  Family changes, but you have to deal with those changes.

You would probably say that I don't understand.  You would be right.  I don't understand.

Do you even understand?

Day 24: Sacrifice Of Praise

Waiting is hard.  Joyful waiting is harder still.

It takes sacrifice.

The other night I had to make a sacrifice.  I had to give up what I thought was going to happen to do something that I wasn't looking forward to, basically I didn't have any other choice.  I wasn't too happy about it.

Then I think about sacrifice in the Bible.  It was supposed to happen on a regular basis, but there were also special times that it happened.  Like when someone had sinned, to atone for that sin they were required to make a sacrifice.  But it also happened in times of celebration, with praise and thanksgiving.

The time that I think of this happening was when David brought the ark of the Lord back to Jerusalem.  He and all the people danced in crazy celebration before the Lord.  There was this huge celebration.  Then they offered sacrifices to God.

"They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord."  -2 Samuel 6: 17

When I think of the sacrifice that I made, although it wasn't the same kind (like a physical thing that you could touch and see), my heart was not in the right place.  My heart was not in the place of making that sacrifice with praise.  I was more making the sacrifice with anger and frustration.

How much could this change my perspective, if I think about how a sacrifice was made in the OT when I have to make a sacrifice?  We don't need to make those animal sacrifices today because Jesus came and died as an atonement for all our sins, but what we do can still be a sacrifice.  A pouring out of ourselves in thanksgiving, in humility, in praise, for who God is and for all that He has done.

It takes God changing my heart.  Instead of being hard and bitter, waiting with joy for the Lord to come, to speak, to give me peace.  It happened the other night as I prayed for God's strength, because I knew on my own I could not make it through.

To see more posts in this series just click on the label "31 Days" under the title of each post in this series, or go back to Day 1 here and choose from the list of days listed at the bottom of the post.

Five Minute Friday: True

Another Five Minute Friday Free Write!

The word is: True.

Go

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Philippians 4: 8

Too often I think I think about the opposite of what is true.  I see what is true, but what you did to me was false.  What you said about me was false.  And I can't tell the world what the truth is because it would hurt you too much.  That or they wouldn't believe me.

The truth, sometimes we never find out.  But I already know the truth and He has a name because He told us.  "I am the way and the truth and the life." -John 14: 6

But what about the truth in this situation?  Do I need to know that specifically?  Or does Your all-encompassing truth cover that?  Is Your truth enough to cover my questions?  Was what You said, the promises You made, just true yesterday or last year, or is it true still and always?

I am held captive by these doubts and questions.  I don't need all the answers, I just need Your truth.  If I knew it all already, I wouldn't need You.  The questions keep me hungry for the truth.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."  -John 8:32

Stop.

What I Learned In September

Link up with Emily Freeman's, What we learned in September, post. 

1.  I shouldn't give up on any relationship.  Even if it seems like there is no hope for restoration, I am supposed to keep trying.  But at the same time I need to continue living my life and being who God created me to be, caring more about what He thinks of me and feels toward me rather than how someone else is thinking about me or reacting to me.  And I don't mean that I will intentionally make someone else angry or jealous, but I will try to be who God created me to be in order to bring Him glory.

2.  There are no Amish families living in Manor Township.  And about 4 non-Amish dairy farmers in Bart Township.

3.  I was trying to take pictures of myself before and after a haircut.  What I learned is that I think I look goofy when I try to take a picture of myself, but if I take the photo through a mirror or someone else takes a photo of me, I think I look okay/normal.  I wonder if I'm so used to seeing myself in the mirror that the "real" view of my face looks backwards to me?  That's weird.  Although, it might have been the angle that I was at or something.  I didn't get around to taking the "after" picture yet.

4.  I should not try to take my contact lenses out when I'm on the phone and my head is leaning to the side.  I lost my contact, at first I thought it went up in my eye, but I couldn't find it.  At one point I washed my hands, so I think I successfully got it out of my eye but it fell in the sink and was washed down.  Good thing it was time to put in a new pair!

5.  Fresh pears are heavenly!!  I never realized how much I enjoy a good pear this time of the year, until now!  Even the smell is amazing!

6.  When I draw (which doesn't happen very often), I much prefer a pen over pencil.  I'm much freer with a pen, which doesn't make much sense because you can erase pencil.  But if I am using any sort of pencil, I much prefer shading with pencil than coloring anything with colored pencil.

7.  Groundhogs can do a lot of damage to a soybean field.  I never knew they liked to eat soybeans.

8.  A smelly subject, but a staple of farming, is manure hauling.  If you haul manure out into the field with a tractor and tank spreader, you can easily drive over where you have already spread manure, but you cannot do this easily if you spread with a truck, it would be like driving on grease.  Standard truck tires do not have as much traction on the manure as a tractor and tanker.

9.  Trying to get the green outer hull off of a black walnut is more difficult than I'd like it to be, and it stains your fingers dark brown, and doesn't come out for a long time!  Next time I will wear gloves!

10.  Praying mantis' eat flys and caterpillars.  Josiah saw one eat a fly and I saw one eating a caterpillar.  I tried to get a video of it catching a fly, but I guess it wasn't hungry any more.  Apparently, they will go after hummingbirds too!  I don't want to mess with these creatures!

Five Minute Friday: Mercy

Linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker's blog for the Five Minute Friday yet again.

Mercy

And go.

I can never remember the difference between mercy and grace, or should I say, I get them mixed up.  I've always heard that mercy is not receiving punishment that you deserve and grace is being given something that you don't deserve.  I think.

Yeah, I kind of know the "dictionary" definition, but when it comes to living it out...  oh boy.  Sometimes when someone hurts me I withhold from them.  I draw back and say, "I'm not ready to let this thing go yet.  You should suffer just a little bit longer for what you did."  But really I'm not hurting them at all, just myself.

Imagine if Jesus had done that, drawn back within himself when the cross was getting close and said, "I'm not ready for this yet, they need to sit down here in pain and agony for a little while longer for what they've done."

It doesn't work that way for Jesus, and as Christians it shouldn't work that way for us, but too often it does.  In my own life I can see that withholding mercy and grace stem from my own pride and selfishness, very human characteristics, that I receive mercy for when I repent of them.  It seems like a very circular thing.  If I withhold mercy or grace, I won't be receptive to receive it myself, and then I feel miserable and become bitter and hard-hearted.

Sometimes I just wonder why God puts up with us, we just end up messing up, and a lot of the time it is in relationships that we mess up.  Then I remember this is why Jesus died.  To redeem and renew those relationships.  To give us hope that we can grow to become like Jesus, full of mercy and grace.  He is not a hard task-master, He is a loving and merciful God who wants us to choose Him and love His ways.

Stop.

Now time for some coffee.

What I learned in August

Link up with Emily Freeman's What we learned in August post.  A little late I know, but better than never.

So much!!  A lot of what I learned happened during or after The Circuit Riders School in Lancaster.  We had such a great time that week, learning a lot!

1.  I have a voice.

2.  I shouldn't judge a day by the weather.  We were taking Josiah's family out to water ski and it was quite breezy and a little chilly, but it was mostly sunny.  There was a small craft advisory for the area where we were heading, but we managed to find somewhat smooth water.  It was one of the most fun days of water skiing that I have ever experienced, plus the people that we were with were great too!  And the sky was amazing!!

3.  I am what my name means: strong (and courageous), not on my own, but God makes me who I am.  This post has new meaning to me today.

4.  I love milking cows.  Who ever thought this is what I would end up doing?  I have a BA in psychology, but I milk cows, and walk around the farm like a tough farm girl.  :)

5.  I can't wait around for someone else to do all the work (in relationships, in sharing Jesus with other people, in everything), if God called me to do it.  God has given me a voice and He will give me the words to say.  I just need to be more focused on Him than I am on myself or fear of man.

6.  People are really hungry for Jesus!  You read the news and see all this bad stuff happening, and why would someone do something like that?  Because they were bored, because they have no hope, because no one loves them, etc.  Clearly, there is a hunger.  Maybe they don't even know what they are hungry for, but it is Jesus.  There are so many other things that people try to fill themselves up with, but that hole was really created just for Jesus.

7.  I have the freedom to dream!

8.  God loves me.  I had a fresh revelation of His love during this month, and it had to do with something as simple and small as a shoe.  I'll post about it one of these days.

9.  If I'm not making the effort to go forward, I am drifting backward.  Another thing I'll be posting about soon.

10.  I've lived on a farm my whole life (except when I was at college), but I never knew what it looked like when they filled ag-bags with silage instead of putting it in an upright silo (I've never seen a bunker silo filled either).  I have now experienced that for the first time.

What I learned In July

This is the first time that I've posted a "things that I'm learning" post.  These posts will be about pretty much anything, silly, serious, about myself, whatever, that I learn each month.  Hopefully I can keep this up every month!  I got this inspiration from Emily Freeman at Chatting At The Sky.

1.  I like foreign languages.  I think I would be good at learning new languages, because I find it interesting and exciting, but I'm too scared to actually speak them once I learn because I'm a perfectionist and I don't want to say something wrong.

2.  It is easiest for me when I have a routine and do something day after day.  For example, exercising, I feel great and look forward to exercising when I do it every day, but when I take a day off it is so hard to start back up again.  Same goes for devotions and journaling, and a lot of other things probably.

3.  I was reminded of what "Ebenezer" means.  Reading from 1 Samuel 7, I found this word again.  I'm pretty sure I thought it meant something else before.  1 Samuel 7: 12, "Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.  He named it Ebenezer, saying, 'Thus far has the Lord helped us'."  So it means 'stone of help.'  Interesting.

4.  My grandma has only one sibling (a sister) living... and she is/will be 100 this year!  And my grandma just turned 91!!

They both look super!!

5.  A special day isn't made special by what you do, but who you spend it with!  Josiah and I celebrated 4 years of marriage yesterday and had a wonderful day with our families!  I couldn't have asked for anything better.

6.  It is great to get away every once in a while.  It's refreshing and makes working so much more enjoyable.

7.  Forgiveness is really the first step to healing a relationship.  It might take a long time, but I'm praying for grace to forgive every time words or thoughts pop into my head reminding me of a past hurt.

8.  Zucchini is amazing!  And this recipe just made it even more so!!

9.  There is such a thing as sea lice.  Apparently, it is a parasite that causes itchiness and rash.  Gross.  Kind of makes me freaked out to swim in the ocean.

10.  It's a lot harder to make a list of things I learned each month than I thought it would be.  I just don't think, "oh, I just learned something new."  I file it away and usually forget about it.  But today I felt inspired because I feel like I learned a lot in July.  Probably a lot more than I can remember and write on this list right now.

God-given friendship

"Real friendship is about showing each other compassion when running late for lunch and encouragement after the it’s-been-one-of-those-days tears. Friendships are a unique form of love, binding individuals together through traditions, inside jokes, and advice. God gives us friends because he knows we aren’t meant to glorify him alone. He is meant to be shared, like Oreos and milk, cute necklaces, and what products work on curly hair in this summer humidity."  -Quote from a beautiful post about God-given friendship on (in)courage.

So thankful for my God-given friendship with this beautiful young woman!