Day 22: Living not just surviving

I couldn't sleep the other night.  Like, I slept fine until about 3am, then I was awake in bed for an hour before I decided it was better to just get up.  I wasn't really anxious about anything or have anything specific that was on my mind, I just could not fall back to sleep.

I guess it's practice for wake up calls that will begin in December.  I have not missed being on call all the time, like I used to be for the first 5 years of our marriage (we both were, and Josiah still is, but he doesn't get called nearly as much as he did in those first 5 years).  It is going to take every ounce of simple and creative gifts that I have to not just survive this season, but to feel like I'm actually living.

I don't like that feeling.  It's stressful.  I tend to shut down every non-essential thing (I'm sure a lot of other people do this too) and just focus on survival.  But that could be very bad because I'm not exactly an outgoing people person, so that's the thing that I tend to let go of first, relationships.

For example, we just started new small groups at our church, and sign up was completely voluntary.  I signed up.

And now I'm thinking, "how am I ever going to be able to do this?"  We meet as a group every other week and then we are supposed to meet with one or two other people on the off weeks for accountability and encouragement.  And I missed our first group meeting because I wasn't feeling well.

I missed the relationship of small groups, but I'm just not sure I can do this right now.  Maybe if this was not our first child.  But since this will be our first, life is full of unknowns.  And I don't like unknowns, they usually include some sort of change, and change is hard for me.  And all of this hasn't happened yet, so it is all completely hypothetical!

See what I mean?  Relationships outside of my house seem to be the first thing I chuck out the window when I'm looking at survival mode, even just imagining survival mode.

These verses are a handy reminder for those times:

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do,whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.   -Colossians 3: 12- 17