Night work

What seems like ages ago, I used to work a night shift of milking.  This was when we were milking 24/7 (milking 24/7 is not normal for a herd our size, but the reason we did it is a long story that I don't know if I will ever tell on my blog.  Too complicated and probably wouldn't be that interesting to read.)

Sometimes, especially on nights like tonight, when I take a walk after dark around the barns in this beautiful weather, I miss those late night milkings.  

I would turn on the worship music and sing as loud as I wanted because no one else was around except the cows, and they really don't care what I sound like when I sing.  It was kind of exhilarating, being up when very few other people were.  Doing something productive and good and seeing how good of a job I could do each time.  And being alone.  That place became my personal worship and prayer room.

Of course, that room no longer exists in our new parlor setup, and I no longer get to milk because I'm taking care of Joshua.  

But I still pull some night shifts of a different kind.  It's hard to feel the same way about these shifts as I felt about milking because they're just so different.  Then, I was caring for 250+ cows, and I could see the progress and outcome of my work very clearly, almost instantly.  Now, I'm caring for 1 little human.  And the progress feels so slow, the amount of work that we've put in feels greater than the "outcome" we've seen so far.  The past 7 months have seemed to crawl by, but at the same time, I'm wondering how my little boy is growing up so fast!

I guess those night shifts were preparing me (a little bit, nothing can ever really prepare you for having a baby) for now, as a reminder that the work I'm doing is still exhilarating.  I'm raising another human being, for crying out loud!!  It's been the most crazy, and scary, and wow-I'm-gonna-need-so-much-jesus-and-coffee-to-make-it-through-this, and hard, and wouldn't-trade-it-for-the-world challenges.

Made To Thrive

Writing again.  It feels good.  I always say I need to write more, I need to take the time even when I'm busy.

But life these past few months has had a way of pulling me away from the things I love and pushing me to just do what I need to do.  Even my computer has been keeping me from writing.  It works occasionally, then one day it won't start up correctly, or it will just close the window I was working in randomly without notice.  Too much hassle.

Anyway, life has been busy.  We are about to start something new today on the dairy (at least, I hope it's today, it has gotten pushed back so many times!).  The cows and workers are going to have a lot to adjust to, and it will be a challenge.  But we are ready for this next step, we've been ready for quite a while. 

I'm in no way complaining about how things were the past 5-7 years.  We've learned a lot, and while I wouldn't want to relive those 5 years (for me it's been 5, for others it has been 7 years), I don't think I would have changed a whole lot.  I've seen growth in my life that wouldn't have happened if life would have been all smooth sailing and comfortable.

When you go through a hard time, you have a choice to make.

Let the trial shape you and learn the lesson God is teaching you the first time.

Or struggle against the change.  Fight, deny, run away from anything that is hard and disrupts the comfort of the mask that I'm wearing.  Instead of learning to be the person God created me to be, accepting the weakness and imperfections, I would learn nothing and stay in a self-created wilderness.  Tossed by any wave of difficulty and never finding what I really need.

If I had a theme song right now in life it would be this one by Casting Crowns:

 



I had a dream last night that I remembered (I don't usually).  I was somewhere, probably with family, and I had been playing my guitar, but I put it back in the case to go eat or something.  When I came back to it and opened the case, I discovered a completely different guitar.  Someone had come to "fix" mine (it has a rattle/buzz sometimes) and left one of their guitars in it's place.  Now this guitar was a much nicer and more expensive brand than mine and I'm sure it worked beautifully for the person who owned it, but in my hands the frets were much too small for more than one finger and it was broken off 3 frets down from the top and tied on.  It still played (that was a miracle itself), but I could do nothing with it.  Then the person brought my guitar back and said he had found nothing to fix on it and it played beautifully!  He asked me what kind of strings I had on it, and I told him, "the ones it came with."  He was amazed and said that had to be a miracle.  And that is all that I remember.

So as I was thinking about my dream this morning, I realized it applies to more than my guitar.

I don't need a better brand/ more expensive instrument to be a better guitar player.  I just need to use and practice the one that I've already been given.

I don't need to imagine a better life or a more ideal me, I just need to learn to live the life that I have and be the person I have been created to be.  Then I will not just be struggling to survive, I will be thriving.

Foggy

Sometimes life can feel like this:

One giant fog.  Rolling in, covering everything in that same white-grayness.  Of course, it also doesn't help that the ground is already white with snow.  Dampening the ground and your mood.

All I can say is, I don't understand.  I can't see through this fog.  But God can.  He will lead one step at a time through.

And a song keeps rolling through my head, more clear than any fog.

"All to Jesus I surrender,

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all.

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all."

Emmanuel: Advent Dec. 23

"This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly.

 As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit.  And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.”

 All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord’s message through his prophet:

'Look! The virgin will conceive a child!
    She will give birth to a son,
and they will call him Immanuel,
    which means ‘God is with us'.”       -Matthew 1: 18-23

Immanuel.  Emmanuel.  God with us.

I've been wondering, what did the angels think?  When they heard that God was sending His Son to earth in the form of a baby.  A bare, breathing human.  The most vulnerable thing in the world.

How many times did they hold their breath as He scraped a knee or had a cold.  Wanting to comfort Him in their arms, but watching as His earthly parents cared for Him in the best way that they humanly could.

Knowing what would ultimately come.  The pain, the blood, the death that would provide The Way to deeper intimacy with the Father.

The victory.  Over death and the devil.

All because our God, so huge, came so small, as a vulnerable infant.  To be with us.  To live the lives we live, to have the emotions we have, to be vulnerable like we are.  So that we could have hope.

"O come O come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice rejoice Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel

"O come Thou Dayspring come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight
Rejoice rejoice Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel

"O come Desire of nations bind
All peoples in one heart and mind
Bid envy strife and quarrels cease
Fill the whole world with heaven's peace
Rejoice rejoice Emmanuel
Shall come to thee O Israel"  ~O Come O Come Emmanuel


Ps.  The video above is by The Piano Guys, they are so good!  They have a bunch of other fun videos on YouTube.

Take Hold Of Joy: Advent Dec. 19

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
    and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
    and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
    and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
    able to tread upon the heights."  -Habakkuk 3: 17-19

Even though...

God is always extending joy out to us.  But whether we take hold of it is our choice.

Even though times are hard.  Even though money is short.  Even though Christmas is less than a week away.  Even though bills keep piling up.  Even though the sickness is debilitating.  Even though all whom I've loved are gone.  Even though...

I get stuck there sometimes.  Submerged in that first part of "even though," incoherent to the part that contains the hope and joy.  There are days when I can see all that I have been blessed with, but if I sit down and be still for a few minutes, the panic starts to creep over me.  And then my perspective gets all out of whack.


And other times, I stand obstinate in the face of uncertainty, shouting "YOU WILL NOT STEAL MY JOY!"  It sounds more like "Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plains.  And the mountains in reply, echoing their joyous strains.  Glo-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis deo.  Glo-o-o-o-o-oria in excelsis deo."  At the top of my lungs when no one is around.  At least that's how it sounded today.

Ann Voskamp says it wonderfully:

"The secret of joy is always a matter of focus: a resolute focusing on the Father, not on the fears.  All fear is but the notion that God's love ends.  When does He ever end?" -from The Greatest Gift (p.189)

O Little Town: Advent Dec. 17

"But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah,
    are only a small village among all the people of Judah.
Yet a ruler of Israel will come from you,
    one whose origins are from the distant past."  -Micah 5: 2

I took some time off from writing, mostly because of snow and work busy-ness, and the weekend, and then there was a special someone who celebrated his birthday yesterday.  So life has been full of activity.

And I'm feeling this battle.  Between Christmas and chaos.  Christmas has gotten so big and loud, what lays silent and small in the background is forgotten.  

It is a hard balance for me.  I have things that I really want to give people for Christmas, but most of them I have to make.  So I've been sitting down and working on these projects when I have time.  But sometimes, I feel stressed by this time deadline.  Christmas is coming.

And then there's Advent.  Coming.  The King coming.  The star-filled night, full of peace, brimming with the hopes of all the earth for their Savior.  Quiet anticipation.  Joyful waiting.

"O little town of Bethlehem
How still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight."  ~O Little Town Of Bethlehem

O little town.  Out of this seemingly small and unimportant place comes a small and seemingly unimportant child.

This Child is Jesus.  The Lamb of God.  The Lamb who was silent as He was falsely accused and condemned to die.  Rising to life again after defeating the power of death.  He is coming back.  Advent again.  And He will not be silent.

"As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands."  -Isaiah 55: 10-12

Day 24: Sacrifice Of Praise

Waiting is hard.  Joyful waiting is harder still.

It takes sacrifice.

The other night I had to make a sacrifice.  I had to give up what I thought was going to happen to do something that I wasn't looking forward to, basically I didn't have any other choice.  I wasn't too happy about it.

Then I think about sacrifice in the Bible.  It was supposed to happen on a regular basis, but there were also special times that it happened.  Like when someone had sinned, to atone for that sin they were required to make a sacrifice.  But it also happened in times of celebration, with praise and thanksgiving.

The time that I think of this happening was when David brought the ark of the Lord back to Jerusalem.  He and all the people danced in crazy celebration before the Lord.  There was this huge celebration.  Then they offered sacrifices to God.

"They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it, and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord."  -2 Samuel 6: 17

When I think of the sacrifice that I made, although it wasn't the same kind (like a physical thing that you could touch and see), my heart was not in the right place.  My heart was not in the place of making that sacrifice with praise.  I was more making the sacrifice with anger and frustration.

How much could this change my perspective, if I think about how a sacrifice was made in the OT when I have to make a sacrifice?  We don't need to make those animal sacrifices today because Jesus came and died as an atonement for all our sins, but what we do can still be a sacrifice.  A pouring out of ourselves in thanksgiving, in humility, in praise, for who God is and for all that He has done.

It takes God changing my heart.  Instead of being hard and bitter, waiting with joy for the Lord to come, to speak, to give me peace.  It happened the other night as I prayed for God's strength, because I knew on my own I could not make it through.

To see more posts in this series just click on the label "31 Days" under the title of each post in this series, or go back to Day 1 here and choose from the list of days listed at the bottom of the post.

Day 20: Christ Is Enough

I had planned to put up a different song, but this one popped up in my YouTube suggestions, so I watched/listened to it and love it so much!!  Such a good song, especially as I joyfully wait.

Hillsong Live- Christ Is Enough

To see more posts in this series just click on the label "31 Days" under the title of each post in this series, or go back to Day 1 here and choose from the list of days listed at the bottom of the post.

Five Minute Friday Free Write: Worship

Doing something new and fun!  Another link-up.  It's called "Five Minute Friday Free Write," here is a description of what it is and what to do if you want to join!

The word this week is: Worship.

Go.

Worship.  When I think about it now, my heart melts.  I want to be in that place all the time.  I wrote once in my journal that if I could live all in music and lights it would be the most wonderful thing in the world!

But then the hard times come.  How do you worship then?  I have no idea.  Somehow, recently, God has given me the joy and the desire to worship Him even in the times that are so impossible looking.

I've struggled with what worship in church looks like.  Does it look like someone standing with their eyes closed and hands lifted?  Does it look like someone weeping on their knees?  Or dancing with all their might?  I guess however you do it, it looks beautiful to God.  He is so pleased when we truly pour out ourselves in worship and sacrifice every day of our lives.  Is that worship, sacrifice?  It sounds right, because I have to sacrifice looking at myself and my agenda to look at the most beautiful, most loving, most worthy One in the universe!