Season of change

I have so much to say, but every time I sit down to write, the words won't come.  I'm going to try to push through this because I want to share what we've been going through this past year and where we are headed.

This year has been and will be one that revolved around change.  Change is not something that I readily put myself through on a regular basis, I would rather stick with the status quo of life, let's not rock the boat too much, even-keeled everyday living.  But the more I go through difficult circumstances, the more I can see that I need change in my life.  Changes, especially hard ones, make me lean harder in the Lord.  They make me set aside my desires and dreams and ask the Lord, "what are You trying to teach me through all this?"  I've been having this kind of scary thought recently: maybe I shouldn't wish for seasons of rest, because in those seasons its almost harder to trust the Lord than in the hard times.  And that is a truly terrifying thought to my North American perspective and lifestyle.

This whole year, my husband and I have been processing what we should do in the coming years.  The dairy industry has been a hard one over the past 9 years or more.  We (I say we to include the previous generation, not just myself and Josiah) expanded the dairy in 2007.  2008 was a "rebuilding" year, trying to get the cows used to a new facility and back up in production, while paying off loans and other bills from the expansion project.  Then 2009 hit.  And it hit hard.  Milk prices were very low and as you can probably figure out, low milk prices for a dairy that is trying to pay off loans is not a good thing.  And it just feels like we could never get our feet back underneath us with one thing or another.

In 2013, Josiah and I bought the farm.  We restructured everything, renovated the barn and milking parlor to meet our (and the herd's needs), and tried to keep moving forward.  2014 was a really good year for milk prices, but once again, we were in a "rebuilding" year where we were all adjusting to the stress of finishing up construction and getting the herd healthy and used to a new routine.  So we've basically been holding on for the past 4 years with everything that we have.

This past March, Josiah was approached by my dad about the possibility of coming to work for him and 2 of my uncles.  I don't even know how to describe the agonizing decision that was, especially for me.  I did not grow up on a dairy farm, and over the past 8+ years of working on one, I have fallen in love with the animals and the work itself, as hard as it is.  I'm the one that drug my feet on giving up this lifestyle.  I felt like it's all I've ever been good at and to take that away is crushing.  But at the same time, the Lord was leading me to let go of this thing that I have held on to so tightly, this idea that dairy farming is the only way we can live our lives, that it is somehow my only identity.

But changes are coming.  In about a week, we are selling our cows.  We don't know exactly what the future will look like yet (of course, we never know what the future looks like until we get there, and we never get there because the future is always the future).

There have been a few verses that I've been clinging to over the past few months:

- "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27: 13-14

In a world where nothing is for certain, if I can get to that point where I can say that the Lord is good through everything, I'm getting somewhere.  His goodness may not always look like what I had planned, but He does have good plans for me (Jeremiah 29: 11), and even if I have to walk through difficult times, He is still there and He is doing work in my life to make me more and more into who He created me to be in Him.

-"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need." -Psalm 23: 1

As simple and familiar as this verse is, I've been reminded that it is true.  The Lord does provide all that I need.  Once again, sometimes what I think I need and what I actually need aren't the same things, but the Lord is faithful to gently lead me away from the things that might actually hurt me in the long run that might seem good right now.

I am going to miss the cows, the work, and our workers like crazy, but all the more importantly, I don't want to miss out on what the Lord has for me in this new season.  I don't want to miss out on the purpose that He is fitting me for even now in the middle of the messy unknowns of life.

A book that has meant a lot to me during this season (besides the Bible, that's been a very important aspect of life + tons of prayer) is Girl Meets Change by Kristen Strong.  There were also a few Bible studies that have been impactful over the past year as well, the 2 that stand out are by Priscilla Shirer: Discerning the Voice of God, and The Armor of God.